SELF ASSESSMENT 101: MARRIAGE.

 “The very thought of marriage used to frighten me. I wasn't sold on the idea of monogamy. I saw so many examples of divorce and unfaithfulness that the beautiful picture of marriage wasn't an aspiration.I wish I could say that I was content on living a single life, but the truth is that I was going to keep "playing the field.”"  Cornelius Lindsey

Well, there is one part of life that we cannot avoid, and this topic has been one that has been part of most of our discussions lately (a group of friends and I). This is because my peers and I are at that point where we are making life long decisions, we are making life long investment decisions, we making our circle of friends finer because we are making lifelong friendships, we are making life long career choices, and most certainly (at some point) we will have to choose that lifelong companion. Now, as much as we are discussing it and praying about it, we are also reading much about the issue, coz let’s face it…the institution of marriage (from a Christian’s point of view) has been under attack. Cornelius Lindsey’s statement up there in one of posts lately (Speaking of which, The Lindsey’s are goals yaani…) sparked up a debate among us. When are we ever ready for marriage? I mean, we see some get married at 20 others at 40, others at 60 and slay this marriage thing. We have also seen others get married at the same ages and live in tears.

So as part of my self-assessment, this was part of my areas of assessment. Now, I have done a lot of reading from various local and international authors, I have consulted my mentor and sat at the feet of the married, divorced and single at advanced ages, and this article by Judy Karanja (She is the Author) written in 2012 was shared with me. This is what She says:

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DON'T GET MARRIED IF:

If you’re not ready to delay gratification when your are angry. To hold your tongue, lower your voice and sometimes wait till the appropriate time, day or even month before you can deal with an issue thoroughly…. don’t get married. Immaturity is the inability to delay gratification. Marriage is for the mature.

If you’re not ready to leave center stage and allow someone else to become your focus, your study, your muses… don’t get married. Selfish people make very bad spouses. In marriage you don’t lose yourself but your heart has to be big enough to gain someone else. And soon, with God’s blessing: little, crying, diaper soiling, demanding little ones are coming!

If you are not ready, to stand up and calmly deal with meddling in laws as a united front: The opinionated sister, the insensitive uncle, the domineering father, the manner less brother, the nosy aunt….. don’t get married. Boundaries do not exist automatically, they must be created. A good spouse is committed to respectfully stand up for and protect their marriage from meddling relatives. Don’t abandon your spouse to your relatives. It’s betrayal.

If you are not ready to pay bills…. don’t get married. Love does not pay bills. Kenya power will not give a waiver because your love is O so strong and your gazes at each other, O so romantic.

If you are not ready to let go of your opposite sex “best friends” and invest that into your spouse. To like, to laugh, to play, to be silly and to enjoy life with them, above anyone else… don’t get married. Affairs happen because people did not marry their best friends. Someone else holds their heart. Someone else gets them better. Someone else inspires them more. Marry your best friend and cultivate your friendship so that you remain best friends.

If you are not ready to stop competing with the Joneses…. don’t get married. Let the Joneses buy their yatch when you are still walking, and enjoy the walk. Your journeys are different. They may have to cross the oceans but you may be going through the road route. A boat might not do you any good on your journey. You must be ready to pace yourselves: stop competing, stop spending your future before you get there, stop the debt, stop trying to impress people. You must be able to be content. To enjoy your journey without deciding your happiness simply by measuring your progress against other people.

If you are not ready to be an open book. To tell the whole story of your past, deal with the memories, expose the failures and risk rejection…. don’t get married. It is fraud to have someone sign off their life to you without the full details. The past is a touchy and demanding friend. It always shows up in the marriage. It doesn’t enjoy being ignored and the more you snob, the bolder it becomes and the more tantrums it throws. It will mess up the “neat” and “all together lovely” image that you are struggling to maintain.

If you are not ready to let go of your philandering and wild oats farming…. don’t get married. Don’t take somebody’s son or daughter and subject them to your germs, your indiscretions and your chips fungaz. It never ends well. It’s romanticized in the movies, it’s being fronted as the only “realistic” way to stay married and keep the fire burning. But truth be told, the only thing that the fire will burn will be you, your spouse and your children. That family will burn for generations in bitterness, disease, fear, failure, hatred, broken hearts, broken dreams and conniving.

Finally, if you are not ready to let go of the adrenalin rush of a risque life and to settle down…. don’t get married. The great Colombus [who we were told “discovered” America, Have you ever wondered if the Native Indians who were in it, knew that it existed :-)] had a diary that was long sought for. People wanted to read about the wild journeys, the sea tempest, the reckless pirates they fought, the death and the danger they must have encountered. When it was found, there was great disappointment. Majority of the pages simply had 5 words: “This day, we sailed on.” 

Marriage, like life in general, has many “we sail on” days. You have to learn to find the thrill in the normal everydayness of it. If you depend on wild romance, all night sex [ha], romantic cruises, wild parties, compulsive moves across continents, tempestuous fights and make up sessions to be happy, you may be disappointed. You have to learn to thrill in gentle smiles, loving hugs, knowing looks, cozy moments, shared chores, cute babies, everyday work, dreaming together, praying together and simply living together. If these things are not thrilling, exciting and satisfying, you will look for a way out. The “boom twaff” moments are still there, but they are normally punctuations to the usualness of living. They cannot be your reason for getting married. They are unsustainable on an everyday basis. The one you choose must be thrilling to you even in the most mundane of moments.

I pray this helps someone. Remember singles, YOU HAVE THE PRIVILEGE OF CHOICE. Never let anyone pressure you into marriage. You are either ready or you’re not: You decide!. But please don’t marry somebody and then punish them to live with your childish ways for the rest of their lives. A childish baby is cute but a childish adult is extremely frustrating.

Marriage is for the mature and in many ways, we the married, are still being confronted with the demand to grow up day by day. If you are not ready for that demand, don’t get married!!

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At the end of the day, when we realize that our lives can change at any moment and change forever, we start making decisions. Serious ones. But nothing can make us that prepared. Nothing can.

Facebook:  Njeri Kareithi

Twitter: @deekareithi

*all pics source: www.pixabay.com

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WHAT IF WE: RELIABLE AND CONSISTENT

*wipes off dust and cobwebs from my Njeri Kareithi folder*

For my birthday, I got these three books from a friend. Sure; I also got other books from other friends but these ones stood out. I could see that they were part of a series and it really excited me. I did not notice it as first; but later as I was admiring them (am I the only one who admires new books all around at first?) I notice that they were not the first books in the series. Oh great! Out of the series of five, he got me #3, #4 and #5. Makes no sense; right? How would I start reading at #3? That’s like watching a movie from the middle. You would speculate what happened, but it would be just that. Speculation. Now, now now, where and how do I get one and two? I remember asking myself. It got me so disturbed for a few days till, like he had read my thoughts, he told me to look at the spine of the books. (I didn’t know what a spine of a book was till I goggled…and asked a friend too. I know you also didn’t know sooooo you’re welcome)

Found. Family. Forever.

That is what was written. I remember slapping myself on my face and smiling at the sweet thought.  We had grown to be such good friends in a short span of time that he could confidently say that he has found family forever. Yes, family. Because at times family is not necessarily those you are related to by blood, it is the people standing beside you when no one else is. People who can be relied on.

Fast forward a few weeks ago…this is how a conversation between me and my mentor (Much respect Sir) went;

“Njeri Kareithi (I don’t know where he got the habit of calling me my maiden and sir name, but when anyone calls me that way, I know it is something serious), How are you?”

“I am fine Mr. Sec General (inside joke)”

“I have been to your blog and you have not posted anything lately”

“uuummmm  you know…” I thought of a million excuses, including one that my keyboard is missing a letter which I might use frequently. Or the typical "the dog ate my drafts". Lame right?

“*laughs*don’t make excuses, you need to be consistent…carry on with the way you have been consistent over the years”

“but bwana Sec General, you should not be reading my blog…you will know too much” I remember saying

“*laughs* no, I thought that makes me a good mentor...”

“yeah, I am working on it.” I replied as I opened my Njeri Kareithi folder and searching for an incomplete poem that I needed to complete and post.

“I am actually currently working on a poem”

“I will check soon and see...”

First of all, I remember thinking to myself, why? why me Lord? Not that I write here to please anyone, don't get me wrong. But then I thought to myself that was actually a good call out. You see, many of the times we search for people who do things consistently. I mean, as human beings, we all long for consistency of some sort…be it that person who you know you can always lend to/borrow from because they keep their word, a person who you can always count on, something or someone that you know will be a constant.

Allow me to indulge you in some mathematics (wipe off that sneer you! How else will you know I majored in math/statistics). When something is constant in math, this means it remains the same, regardless of whatever happens around it or the changes over time. The figure never changes. This constant is best seen when all other factors are taken as zero. In math and statistics, this is usually referred to as the constant K (hope you learnt something new there lol). Now, back to real life. Someone or something consistent, according to the queen’s language, is (of a person, behavior, or process) unchanging in achievement or effect over a period of time.

What I have come to realize over time is that as humans, we all desire to have that consistency in life, you know, that security in knowing you can always count on someone or something. Over time, this consistency results to being reliable, trusted, dependable. To be able to be counted on. For this friend to tell me that he has found family forever was more than a complement. It however made me think a lot and this is the challenge I would like to pass over to y’all.

We all long for consistency and reliable things or people…right? But how reliable and/or consistent are we? Can someone say they can depend on you? Do we keep our word? Do we deliver on our promises? Or do we say one thing and do another? Have you ever told someone you will do something or you will take part in a certain activity then they go “yeah right” or “huyo tunamjua, ngoja tu utaona (that one, we know them well, just wait and see)" ? Can people count on us as much as we want to count on them? Are we reliable? Are we consistent? Can people say you are family to them?

 

What if we became consistent? What if we became reliable? What if we did it for ourselves, #ForMyCity and for humanity?

Facebook:  Njeri Kareithi

Twitter: @deekareithi

 (The campaign dubbed #ForMyCity led by Poetry Spot. Follow the conversation here)

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NEVER DATE A POET DEE

“Never date a poet Dee” he said amidst bites of some chicken barbecue flavored crisps I had shared with him (I have special attachment to this flavour). We were waiting for a mutual friend at a bus stage. I was to give her a novel in exchange for another; they were headed for a date. I assumed I had not heard him.

“Dee”, he paused to make sure I was listening to him, “never date a poet”. He repeated. I didn’t know how to take it. I mean; did he know that I subscribed to the religion that is poetry? That once in a while, I became a Levite and would step up to the altar with incense and offer a sacrifice of literary works written in verse, in particular, verses of high worth, great beauty, emotional sincerity, intensity and profound insight (Isn’t that what poetry is?); and at times words with rhythmic grace and imaginative proses?  Did he? Did he know that our mutual friend sat in the council of elders in this so called religion? Did he know that I frequented the likes of Fatuma's Voice, Upgrade Poetry, Slam Africa and Poetry Spot among other poetry forums?  Maybe. Maybe not.

Poets are a heartless lot. He said. Make a blunder and you will testify to this with a bible on your right hand. Make them doubt what you have and they will never make you forget. They will write pieces about you. They will paint their words with the pain, in a way that you will hear and read the words and know they were directed to you. Poets will stab your soul while reciting a love poem to you. They will hurl your heart into the depths, like a stone into mighty waters, and hug you like nothing happened.

Photo Credit: www.cdfstlucia.org

 They will stitch together parts of their verses with blood from the heart of a love that you once shared; and do it wearing a smile. They will make you think twice about anything you ever did without even saying it. They will perform these pieces to audiences that you are part of; people will praise their prowess with words. They will make you sit through the agony of listening to words that you once said; only this time they will sound so different because they are meant to crucify you. They will make you wonder out loud “was that about us?” and instinctively they will say “that was not about us by the way”. And you will know it was.

Photo Credit: www.p4cm.com

They will make you regret ever meeting them; ever falling in love with their hearts and souls. They will speak in parables that mock you and your mere existence. They will make you be cautious about love at first sight; you will always want to have a second and third look. They will make you read through their pieces first before they show them to the world. As if to make sure that the impressions of the words are engraved in your mind. And every time they are up there performing the piece, the words will hurt you one more time. And you will have to smile; because you are dating a poet.

Unless you are a poet as well. He added. Then you will be able to read between the sweet words and see the emptiness they carry. You will be able to see through the irony of the praises in proses. You will understand the meaning of the adjectives they use. You will see that one black sheep in the white sheep lines of a romantic poem. That masked truth that was not supposed to be there. That line that makes the whole piece a lie. And you will smile about it and say “great piece”. You will know the depth of the sting in that offensive line; because you would write the same to them.

Photo Credit: www.p4cm.com

He didn’t say more; he didn’t have to. The expression on his face, the way his face distorted with a foreign emotion as he talked; the emptiness in his eyes and the smile he gave her when she arrived said it all.

“Never Dee,” he said as he hugged her. 

“Not all” I whispered back.

Facebook:  Njeri Kareithi

Twitter: @deekareithi

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OF SIGHS AND WORDS

Speechless

I am speechless,

When I think of you;

I go mum,

Dumb, damp, with every pacing heartbeat,

With every gust of blood cells from my heart,

Cells paint your name on my veins,

All those impulses of love,

Softly whispering your name,

Softly killing me inside

*Sigh*

In my mind I see you,

Kneeling before your maker,

Pouring your heart, your life, your tears in worship,

Weak enough to submit to a higher being,

Strong enough to give your all to Him,

It turns me on,

So much that,

When I I’m speaking to Him about you,

I just smile in silence, sighs and face palms,

Leaving it to my heart,

To tell Him all that you are to me,

Thanking Him for you,

For your past, my past,

Our present, Our future.

Befado

Photo Credit: Kari Jobe

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TO NEW POSSIBILITIES, NEW YOU, NEW ME

“Babe, hebu read Isaiah43:18-19, that will be my guiding verse this year (2015) ‘¹⁸ Remember ye not the former things, neither consider the things of old. ¹⁹ Behold, I will do a new thing; now shall it spring forth; shall ye not know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert.’"

Where are my manners? Happy New Year people!!! It may be two weeks late; but it’s still a new year. I hope the year has been good to you so far. Now, back to what I was saying. Ladies and gentlemen, that was the message I got from my one and only SB, a few days into the New Year. Now, you should have seen the excitement on my face as I read that message, the feeling in my stomach; like a thousand butterflies were trying to break free or chasing each other. Well, maybe it was because I was anxious of my exams which were just about to start. Nonetheless, I was excited.  Why? You may ask. Who does not receive a text from their loved one in the New Year? What is so exciting about a text? You may ask. Well, hold your horses. Afew days before that, I was setting my guiding verse for myself, and guess what, it was 2^nd Corinthians 5: 17-19;

^“17 Wherefore if any man is in Christ, he is a new creature: the old things are passed away; behold, they are become new.¹⁸ But all things are of God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ, and gave unto us the ministry of reconciliation; ¹⁹ to wit, that God was in Christ reconciling the world unto himself, not reckoning unto them their trespasses, and having committed unto us the word of reconciliation.”

Great! How exactly does that concern me (reader)? You may ask. Well, friends and foes, you may join me is making 2015 a year of new possibilities and new lives, new you, new me. There is something that comes with a new year. That is why we all wait eagerly for it; we don’t want to sleep on the eve of the New Year; because we wait to see the New Year, to feel new, to experience the year that you have never experienced before. 

As this New Year begins, I purpose to have a new perspective of life. This is my resolution (yeah, I admit, I have resolutions). Let’s make this year a year that we make new achievements, break or make new records (spiritual, academic, social, physical, name it), a year to get over that ex that you have been struggling to forget; and find new love, new hope, move from that job that has been making you have ulcers; and find a better and new job, get rid of that habit that you have been trying to end, to let go of friends that have been pulling you back; and make new ones,  make new discoveries about your loved ones, new ways to love them, healing from that loss of a loved one and starting a new life, new you, new me, new hope, new levels. (okay, now I start sound like some overseas pastor I hear preaching in one of the buildings in town as I head home at school at 8 pm. Okay, he is either from overseas or Kikuyu; you know, Kikuyus imitate anything and everything that gives them an edge or vantage view by the public)

“Year right, so much hype you have, wait for mid year; not even then, wait for Feb. and see if you will be dancing to the same tune” I hear some of you say. But you know what? It all starts with the mind. If you tell your mind that you cannot do it; you cannot get over him, you cannot change, you cannot start afresh, you cannot let go, you will dwell in the past; trust me, you will never move forward.

A great and wise woman once said “you determine the elements of your life. You decide what you will or will not do, whether you will or will not change, whether you will grow or not. You also decide whether to be a mushroom that appears for a night and shrivels away at the first hunt of wind or heat or an oak tree, lasting and becoming stronger each passing day”.

This is my challenge to you this year. Let’s seek to have new possibilities; new lives, new you, new me. If you do it with a friend or loved one; the better. You will encourage each other and hold each other accountable when you feel like giving up. Let’s do this people, and toast to the New Year like my dear friend says here.

Happy New Year 2015 people!! Take up the challenge!
@deekareithi

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IT’S THE SIMPLE THINGS THAT COUNT

During the Mashujaa Day public holiday I visited my grandpa…not only was it a good chance to surprise the old peeps whose eye sight is worsening, but it was a chance to drive and not get caught (my license expired). As mentioned, the old man’s eyesight is diminishing as well as his memory. Now, I followed his trail to the farm since he was not home and I had spotted his signature black birika(kettle), which as young tots we had all drank from, brewing some strong tea. When I find him, he is sitted on the ground in his Mbaki (tobacco) farm, paper and pen at hand, drawing a cartoon of an old man (he was a teacher in the colonial government). I laugh at the cartoon and he notices someone is beside him.  I introduce myself. 

“Guka, ni Njeri” (Grandpa, its Njeri). He looks up and asks me “Njeri wa uu?” (who’s daughter).

Well, you have to blame our African parents for naming us all after one person…90% of my female cousins are called Njeri (which when translated means “traveler”), and the male cousins are called Murimi (which when translated means “farmer”). We were all named after our great grand parents who had the characteristics represented by our names.  Back to my tale.

“Njeri wa Kareithi” I said. His face lit up and he started asking me about how Nairobi life was. We chatted for a few minutes before I remembered one of the people I had worked with told me he knew him and asked me to say Hi when I see him. I told him about the man. You should have seen the joy on he face as he started narrating to me how they met. At the end of the story, he was so happy, he was almost on his feet (he is quite old; he keeps reminding us that his legs are so weak). The joy he exhibited just brought a smile to my face. He kept on saying how happy he is that someone remembered him; how that was the best news he had received in a while.

 Fast forward a few days ago…I saw a man in town carrying a bouquet of flowers rushing to an evening bus, pulling along a big suitcase. “wow, that wife/girlfriend must be really lucky” I whispered to my inner self. I figured out that the man had just arrived from a long journey (based on the size of the suitcase and the weary face), but he knew that something as small as a banquet of flowers would make his lady happy and appreciated.

This made me think about how we treat our significant others. Some of us try so hard to do big things, go out of our ways to please them (I’m not saying its wrong), while all along; it’s the simple things that count. What simple things? You may ask. How will I know? You may ask. I once asked my mentor’s husband he makes sure the wife remains happy. “Observe; be attentive. I started doing this from the first day I saw her. That’s how I won her over” is all he could say. I asked my mentor (his wife) what she does to ensure that the husband remains happy and feels appreciated. “be alert and attentive, see the small things” is what she kept repeating.

I later came to understand what they were saying. Being attentive, concentrating, observing your partner makes you know them and pick up little things that make their faces light up. They are not the big things, they are actually small and simple things that one may be taking for granted or as ordinary. We are all different. Each of us has distinct things that make us feel appreciated. Be it that flower you buy for them, that tie you buy for them, that piece of chocolate, that message or call at the end of the day, spending time together, visiting somewhere new, that game he/she loves to play, that movie he/she likes to watch, taking dumb photos (this is my favorite); it differs from person to person. Some of these things don’t cost anything.

 

As we celebrate this festive season, a time to be with family and loved ones, be attentive, open your eyes and mind. You may just see the simple things that count.

Happy Holidays. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year 2015. See you then fam!

 

 

@deekareithi | Njeri Kareithi

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BUILD YOUR RELATIONSHIPS

Over the weeks since my last post, I have been in several bus rides to town, during the evening, for classes (*sigh*, masomo nayo). During these bus rides, as I quietly sit on my seat trying to think about what we were taught last before I attend the classes, I have picked up on a few things (thanks to people who talk loudly in buses; you would think they are story tellers and the travelers are a bunch of children in a nursery somewhere). First, I would never highlight the flaws of my man to anyone (that’s relationships 101), and neither would I rant about my relationship in public (more of relationships 101), but what I heard a lady say (more of utter loudly) to her friend sitted opposite of her made me really think. 

“Why are his female friends on Facebook those with funny profile pictures?”

“He always says that they are busy at work, that’s why he can’t text or replies my texts late...”

“I don’t have anything from him in my house, or that can show we are in any relationship.”

“Since we started dating, he stopped giving me any gifts.”

“These days it feels like he is not willing to sacrifice anymore.”

“

"He makes me feel unappreciated and single, even though he’s my boyfriend.”

The rant went on…

At first, I was shocked, how can you talk so much of your relationship to a person who you are not in a relationship with? Then I started feeling sorry for the lady. See, women are emotional beings and will mostly approach issues from an emotional point of view. I am no expert in relationships (no one is), but after listening to that lady, I would like to share some pillars of relationships my mentor shared with me.

Meaningful Communication

Notice “Meaningful”? Well, it’s not just about communication, its meaningful communication. This is more than just talking to each other. Meaningful communication involves sharing goals and ambitions, hopes and aspirations, success and failures, and likes and dislikes. This is usually one of the key foundations and pillars in any relationship. If this lacks, one of the partner strains. If you have doubts or you are not sure about any issue; ASK! DON’T ASSUME ANYTHING! (The only place where assumptions hold is in mathematics).

Trust

Ask any old couple how they survived through 50 years of marriage and tell me the answer (lol). Trust is established through, fidelity, loyalty, and respect. It is reinforced by the positive action a person takes for the good of the relationship. 

When actions are taken that violate trust, the relationship becomes unstable. Some people want be trusted, but have not taken the actions necessary to become trustworthy. Trust has to be earned. The one that has broken the trust has to be the one that takes the responsibility for rebuilding it.  You can rebuild trust by doing what you say. Your actions must line up with your words. We all have in us the ability to be trustworthy, but we have to value the relationship enough to allow it to come forth. When it comes to a healthy relationship, trust is a must.

Honesty

Consistency, trust and honesty go hand in hand. “What do you hate most in relationships?” I once asked SB “When someone is dishonest and keeps telling lies.” I could feel what he was saying. It is the desire and ability to tell the truth without any intentions to deceive. In all cases, words that come out of a person’s mouth must be the truth. The pillar of honesty must run deep into the core of all those involved. My mentor once told me “telling your partner where you are and what you are doing or who you are with is not hard; if you have nothing to hide”. Till this day, I keep thinking about that statement.

Connection

Well, the queen’s language defines connection as joining together of two people or things. Definitely, the fact that you are in a relationship with someone implies that have some things in common, or share some interests. The things that make you have a deeper connection with your other, which you don’t have with other human beings. This is what connects to the emotional side of us as humans (yes, men too have an emotional side). Some would call this “chemistry”. Know something that your partner likes? A hobby? Music? Interest? What makes them feel loved? Take the time to invest in such things. Sacrifice, let them know how you feel/think, keep the connection alive. If you take this for granted, lets face it, anything not connected is, well, disconnected.

After all is said and done, we should all remember that no two relationships can be the same. Do not try to make your relationship similar to another person’s. Relationships are not there to cause us pain, they are to be enjoyed. Relationships are not easy, but if we work on these pillars, conversations such as the one I heard will not be there (or will reduce). 

   

Build your relationship your way, and make it strong. Make it about the other person; that’s what selfless love is all about.

(by the way, the same pillars apply to other relationships, such as family and close friends).   

@deekareithi

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