Over the weeks since my last post,
I have been in several bus rides to town, during the evening, for classes
(*sigh*, masomo nayo). During these
bus rides, as I quietly sit on my seat trying to think about what we were
taught last before I attend the classes, I have picked up on a few things
(thanks to people who talk loudly in buses; you would think they are story
tellers and the travelers are a bunch of children in a nursery somewhere). First,
I would never highlight the flaws of my man to anyone (that’s relationships
101), and neither would I rant about my relationship in public (more of relationships
101), but what I heard a lady say (more of utter loudly) to her friend sitted
opposite of her made me really think.
“Why are his female friends on Facebook
those with funny profile pictures?”
“He always says that they are busy
at work, that’s why he can’t text or replies my texts late...”
“I don’t have anything from him in
my house, or that can show we are in any relationship.”
“Since we started dating, he
stopped giving me any gifts.”
“These days it feels like he is not
willing to sacrifice anymore.”
“
"He makes me feel unappreciated and
single, even though he’s my boyfriend.”
The rant went on…
At first, I was shocked, how can
you talk so much of your relationship to a person who you are not in a
relationship with? Then I started feeling sorry for the lady. See, women are
emotional beings and will mostly approach issues from an emotional point of
view. I am no expert in relationships (no one is), but after listening to that
lady, I would like to share some pillars of relationships my mentor shared with
me.
Meaningful Communication
Notice “Meaningful”? Well, it’s not
just about communication, its meaningful communication. This is more than just
talking to each other. Meaningful communication involves sharing goals and
ambitions, hopes and aspirations, success and failures, and likes and dislikes.
This is usually one of the key foundations and pillars in any relationship. If this
lacks, one of the partner strains. If you have doubts or you are not sure about
any issue; ASK! DON’T ASSUME ANYTHING! (The only place where assumptions hold
is in mathematics).
Trust
Ask any old couple how they
survived through 50 years of marriage and tell me the answer (lol). Trust is
established through, fidelity, loyalty, and respect. It is reinforced by the
positive action a person takes for the good of the relationship.
When actions
are taken that violate trust, the relationship becomes unstable. Some people
want be trusted, but have not taken the actions necessary to become trustworthy.
Trust has to be earned. The one that has broken the trust has to be the one
that takes the responsibility for rebuilding it. You can rebuild trust by
doing what you say. Your actions must line up with your words. We all have in us
the ability to be trustworthy, but we have to value the relationship enough to
allow it to come forth. When it comes to a healthy relationship, trust is a
must.
Honesty
Consistency, trust and honesty go
hand in hand. “What do you hate most in relationships?” I once asked SB “When
someone is dishonest and keeps telling lies.” I could feel what he was saying. It
is the desire and ability to tell the truth without any intentions to deceive. In
all cases, words that come out of a person’s mouth must be the truth. The
pillar of honesty must run deep into the core of all those involved. My mentor
once told me “telling your partner where you are and what you are doing or who
you are with is not hard; if you have nothing to hide”. Till this day, I keep
thinking about that statement.
Connection
Well, the queen’s language defines
connection as joining together of two people or things. Definitely, the fact
that you are in a relationship with someone implies that have some things in
common, or share some interests. The things that make you have a deeper connection
with your other, which you don’t have with other human beings. This is what
connects to the emotional side of us as humans (yes, men too have an emotional
side). Some would call this “chemistry”. Know something that your partner
likes? A hobby? Music? Interest? What makes them feel loved? Take the time to
invest in such things. Sacrifice, let them know how you feel/think, keep the
connection alive. If you take this for granted, lets face it, anything not
connected is, well, disconnected.
After all is said and done, we
should all remember that no two relationships can be the same. Do not try to
make your relationship similar to another person’s. Relationships are not there
to cause us pain, they are to be enjoyed. Relationships are not easy, but if we work on these pillars,
conversations such as the one I heard will not be there (or will reduce).
Build
your relationship your way, and make it strong. Make it about the other person;
that’s what selfless love is all about.
(by the way, the same pillars apply
to other relationships, such as family and close friends).
@deekareithi
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