Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts

3 September 2015

In Case of Emergency by Barrack O (@bar_rack )

Now, now, now, before you start thinking that the POTUS wrote this, let me remind you to Keep Calm and read on. The author(bar_rack) *lol, notice how he plays around with his name? You, Judge Judy, gerrrarahia*, is one interesting being. 


Imagine that you are walking in town one Saturday afternoon. Either alone or with a friend in tow. Let’s assume the second option – you are strolling in town with a friend, W. You talk about the weather and how it’s been behaving. How the week was at work and at home. You talk about everything that you can possibly talk with your friend. Then, suddenly, in the middle of that you start feeling ill. At that moment you realize that there is something terribly wrong with your body and you cannot really figure it out. You assume and keep on talking. Suddenly your friend realizes there’s something terribly wrong, but they too are clueless. Things happen so fast that you start losing your sensory abilities – you cannot feel the spoon that’s in your hand and you fail to coordinate the digits on your hand but nothing. Before you know it, a sharp migraine fills your entire head causing you to slump on the table, weak and helpless.

Across the table your friend looks at you, helpless. Prodding with questions.


“How are you feeling?” W asks.


“Pins and needles,” you respond. Google that if you don’t know.


“You were just okay,” W says, confused. “What is up? Do you 
have anyone I can call?”


“I have to think,” you respond, gasping under the intense pain clouding your head.


Then you realize that you almost have nobody in your “In case of Emergency (ICE)” list. Then the wildest thoughts start swarming your head.


“What if I was alone and I collapsed in town?” A thought crosses your head.



The People in Our Lives

That’s what happened to me a few months ago. A small incident that shook me a lot. It made me think about the people I could reach out in case something goes awry and I needed someone to be there for me when I couldn’t help myself.

I was shaken because things went from good to bad then ugly in a matter of minutes and lasted about four hours. I was hanging in there – in a body that was caving in to what felt like nervous failure and a headache from hell. Yeah, that’s what happens when you overwork yourself for almost three straight weeks.

I was also shaken because, had I been alone in town, the experience would have been unimaginable, or so I thought. I would be alone in this city where expression of concern is considered rare.

Before I go  on, I happen to be on W’s ICE and that is why we were in town in the first place. W had landed herself in a technical mess the previous evening and I knew the right person who could fix her problem. People who watch movies on their laptops while tucked in bed need prayers.

Back to this moment when my nervous system has decided that I will feel nothing and do nothing.


“Here’s my phone,” I groaned. “Unlock it and call E”


E was not in Nairobi. He called his brother who was closer. As close as Rongai! How close! I was in CBD. How helpful!


“Who else can I call?” W, who is also my partner in crime asked.


“Try my cousin, C,” I said. “He works around here and he can be of help.”


“He says he’s away upcountry,” W said.


“Okay,” I muttered. Trying to think and getting the sharp headache, needles and stings under control. 


“Call J, he’ll call a doctor for me.”


This is the part where everybody you need is away and you are almost alone.

In hindsight, I have learnt the importance of having people who know what to do when they get that call telling them that you are not okay. It is very possible to have over 2000 friends and acquaintances on Facebook, 2000 followers on Twitter but zero people on your In Case of Emergency (ICE) list. It is a frightening thought to say the least. And by that, I exclude parents. No parent who is miles away wants to be told that their child collapsed in town while taking a walk. I am talking about friends who will immediately pause their lives and rush to where you are and see what they can do.

Interestingly, like on this particular day, ambulances also proved quite hard to come by. Dialled 1199. They took their sweet time. Called St Johns Ambulance. Nada. But that’s when that cab guy you befriended a while back shows up immediately and joins you, helping W to handle the emergency situation that I had become. All he asks is for you to tell him what hospital he can take you and not to worry about the cab fare. He coordinated with W in communicating with a doctor friend and eventually we settled on a hospital.


“W, you have to go home,” I said. “I am in good hands now”


“Weeee!,” W retorted. “Then what happens?”


“I can take it from here,” I responded, like when the CIA and FBI folks in movies tell the local cops.


“Cow!” I was told. I laughed quietly to myself. All this time popping in and out of hospital reception. A head scan here. Medication there. A doctor asking what’s stressing me up.


“I said a prayer for you in that waiting room,” W mentioned much later.

Buses, Lifts and Fires

Many weeks later, I have learnt the need to constantly evaluate the accessible people around me. Who knows where I live? Who needs to know where I am traveling to? Who needs to know where I am late at night especially when stranded? Not everyone. But people who I think matter and who will, in turn, make a difference should anything happen. Or just for the sake of knowing.

But then, I ask myself: Am I in anyone’s ICE list? Will I be able to stop my life to attend to a friend’s need till late in the night? It takes a handful of people to make a difference when all fails.


Buses have huge writings at the back glass window (is it a window really?): Emergency Door: In Case of Emergency Break Glass.
Lifts have stickers plastered: In Case of Emergency Call These Numbers 07XXX. Just in case you get stuck in a lift and you need the world to know where you are.

Some buildings have a fire alarm installation with a key: In Case of Fire Break Glass for Key. The key will always give you access to an emergency fire exit and you’ll be safe from the fire.

It is also a requirement in some of our workplaces for us to provide the details for next of kin. Same applies for life insurances and investment chamas and the likes. Just in case something happens to you at work and they need to know who your family is.

In case of emergency, I hope the 5 people in my ICE list will be the reason I will be in the ICE list of 5 other people.


This post was originally posted here

16 June 2015

WHAT IF WE: KINDNESS

Sunday morning; it’s after the first service…I missed praise and worship (damn you lazy bug). So I am here waiting for praise and worship for the second service before I leave (they sing the same songs anyway). I am reminiscing the days I used to teach Sunday school while in campus. Kids are so wonderful to teach…ooh the joy I would get; planting seeds of the word of God in their tiny hearts and laying foundations for them was oh-so-fulfilling. But when I moved to Nairobi; I tried to inquire if I can join the Sunday school teachers team…the requirements I was asked to bring! Oh my God! What did they think I would teach them; hunting? Even mentioning that I taught sons and daughters of Moi’s relatives at Kabarak Community Chapel did not yield me any success…these Nairobi churches! Tsk! You should have seen how pissed I was on that day! I regress

Where was I? Oh yes; waiting for second service to start. I reminisce as I send some sweet message to my one and only. I look up to see this guy and his sister (I assume) coming up to the row where I sat. You see, this I why I love sitting in the balcony seats…you get the luxury of choosing who will be your neighbor; unlike down there where the usher does it for you. They guy is smiling at me so hard. Typical me; I look behind to see if it is really me he is smiling at. There is no one behind me. Keep calm Dee. Try to remember who he is or where you met. I get nothing from my memory. Oh boy (scratch that)..Oh God; please don’t let him be a weirdo or a pervert or a member of #TeamMafisi. 

I quickly smile back and go back to my message. By now it has lost the mushiness I drafted it with *damn you guy-walking-up-the-stairs-with-your-sister*.  He taps my shoulder. What is wrong with this guy? Is he planting a bug on me? Is he drugging me? In church? Oh the nerve he has! My mind goes back to one woman I  sat next to on a bus ride to a wedding reception and the tout told her she was exquisitely dressed. Boy you should have heard the exorcising words she uttered! You would have thought the devil himself resides permanently in the man’s body. Or the song “umejivalia ngozi ya kondoo” song was dedicated to him. I mean…she did look good. I’m sure one of her goals when she dressed that way was that people would notice and she would be “outstanding”. The young man just complemented her dressing and was practicing some kindness. What did he get in return? Exorcism!


Back to the guy tapping my shoulder. “how are you” he says; still smiling. “I am great” I say “Have we met?” I quickly ask before he assumes that I know him and before he starts asking me “siku hizi uko wapi?” and “ulipotelea wapi?”. “No,” he says. Look at this one now. I remember hoping that God had not told him ati the first lady he sees in church would be the one sent to him;the one he had been praying for! “It’s my random act of kindness” he explains as if he had read my mind. “Thank you. I’m great” I reply as I smile.
 

The campaign dubbed #ForMyCity led by Poetry Spot Kenya made me think about this situation. There is a lot of spite and heartlessness going on around. Kindness has become extinct. Gone and rare are the days and people who would lend a helping hand to people who need a hand without demanding recognition or a thank you. We are in a bid to change that. And it begins with me and you. It’s never too late to start practicing a little kindness. Making the “random acts of kindness” real. It will make a change. I am doing it for myself, for that person who may need a shoulder; for my city and for humanity. 


What if we all practiced kindness?
Facebook:  Njeri Kareithi
Twitter: @deekareithi
Facebook:  Njeri Kareithi
Twitter: @deekareithi


Facebook:  Njeri Kareithi
Twitter: @deekareithi


follow the #ForMyCity talk on twitter here

Facebook:  Njeri Kareithi
Twitter: @deekareithi

27 August 2014

25 HILARIOUS QUOTES


Before I post my monthly poem and post; some 25 hilarious quotes I tumbled upon. Feel free to disregard what you don't believe.

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.



26 November 2013

COFFEE FUNS

Ladies and gentlemen, I am in coffee rehab and have been trying to avoid coffee for the fear that I am drugged :-D. Anyhu, I came across these two photos about coffee and thought, why not share them?




This one got my attention though. I ain't saying you should take beer though. :-) :-)

Have a caffeine free week :-)

10 June 2013

12 February 2013

VALENTINES EVE

A young relative (I use relative since I am not sure whether he is my nephew or cousin) came to me and asked me “Aunt Dee, si tutakesha 13th” (aunt Dee shall stay up all night on the 13th)

My first reaction was laughter. I asked him why should we do that and he told me that since last year, he has seen us (relatives) as well as his parents stay up late on some “special” days of the year and thought that since 14th is a day that so many people have talking about, we ought to wait till midnight for Valentine’s day to com. He called it “valentine’s eve”. 

This innocent question got me really thinking about it, really hard. Well on Christmas Eve, we stay up to midnight and wait for the special day that is Christmas and do the same for New Year. Shouldn’t we do the same for this day that celebrates our reason for existence; LOVE? 

We all know that there are some who will literally stay up late till midnight. Not because they wait Valentine’s Day, but because they dread it. The men, to start with, will stay up late thinking and stressing themselves out wondering if they got the right gift\present for their loved one or loved ones for the players). The ladies, on the other hand, will worry their way into midnight and past trying to guess what their better half will get them and laying down terms and conditions for accepting the gift.


Either way, I know my cousin\relative will have some company on valentine’s eve. So I offered myself to stay up all night with him, even though I am in school miles and miles away from him, I will stay up late with him. I know I will be studying and by 8.00 pm his innocent eyes will be asleep. When the clock strikes midnight, I will go around greeting people saying “happy valentine’s day”. We always do it on Christmas and New Year anyway.


Do have a loving and joyful Valentine’s Day

2 January 2013

2012 THE YEAR THAT WAS


Wow, the year 2012 finally ended and we (I included) celebrated as if 2012 were a great enemy slain. Well, whether we liked it or not, it was a year with great and sad moments. We all learnt some great lessons in the year but these 5 stood out for me:

Seek ye first God

Well, we all know this scripture that says “Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you.” In the year 2012, I did the vice versa, most of the time, seeking “all these things” first then coming back to seek God after the others have failed. This I learnt painfully but now towards the end, I realized that I had been doing it all wrong so, in the words of king James, I urge thee, seek ye first the kingdom of thy Lord, and all these things thou shalt be added...all.

Appreciate people.

2012 was the year I lost many of my close friends to the grim ripper(does he even exist, anyway) and it left me somehow shaken. So I learnt to appreciate people, whether real life best friends (hi Joe and Vivian), online best friends (hehehe Grace), big sisters (Brenda and Karain), sisters (Daisy), readers of this blog, my mentors, acquaintances, classmates and above all, my family. I love you all; you make me who I am. You never know when the grim ripper shall strike…

Appreciate criticism

Well, don’t we all get mad when that person walks up to you and says you did not do something right, or this thing that you have been working on for days or even months was not well done; well this is what I learnt in the year…positive criticism is good. It is what keeps me going. And time has taught me to appreciate and accept when I go wrong. Negative criticism…these are people who keep saying negative things just to let you down and discourage you. Well IGNORE THESE!!

Let the Fun be

2012 is the yeah I attended most weddings in my life and most well baby-holding occasions and most parties! If there is one thing I really enjoy, is HAVING FUN!! And I will look for any opportunity to have fun…and boy did I have fun! If there is one thing I can never get tired of doing is having fun! And I have to thank my crazy friends for accompanying me each time and having fun with me. Looking forward to more fun and crazy moments in 2013!

Finally

This list could not be complete without one useless or non-useful things I learnt. Scientists say that you have to CHEW BEEF 84 times before swallowing! Yeah I know, its absurd!…why would I do that? I chew beef at most 6 times…actually, I never even count! Would I eat or count?! Tsk! Now these scientists are too much!! But anyway, now I know. I shall never order beef when I go out on a date! Who wants to spend the whole date concentrating on counting the number of times you chew your food while you have a great date with you?!



Well, I am eagerly waiting for what 2013 has in store for me!! Whatever comes my way, I will enjoy 2013!! Hope you will too. 

Thanks again for your support!

21 December 2012

PRESSURES OF CHRISTMAS


Well, well, well, Christmas is here. Yeah!! Pop the champagne, throw a party, cook dinner, visit places, have fun…but wait! Christmas is not the end of life. How now?

Just the other day, I was headed home with a friend and on the way home, we decided to stop by the streets of Nairobi to do some “mitumba” (second hand or "imports" as my friends and I like to call them) clothe shopping. We went ready, along the streets of Ngara. Shop we did, along with hundreds of other young Kenyans who frequent the area. We stopped at one stall (I don’t exactly know what they are called, you know, the wayside sales, I assume they are stalls with invisible walls).

After stopping for three minutes to admire some “button” earrings, I started feeling dizzy. My eyes became watery and I inhaled a stingy choking gas. I panicked. Rape and drugging came first to my mind. I turned to my friend and asked her if she was experiencing the same. She was worse. She had taken out her handkerchief thinking that her cold had suddenly become severe. We literally disappeared from the said “stall”.

This got me thinking, to what extents are people willing to go to earn an income this festive season? How many people are under pressure to buy that chicken (I have many Luhya friends), or that present, or throw that party and worst of all, host uninvited in-laws (and other relatives) with unrealistic expectations…

During this period, most of us are under pressure and where this pressure came from, I know not. When we were young, Christmas was special since it was just a community affair, no pressure to buy gifts, as long as the annual chapatti and kuku (Chicken) was present (and juicy cola for drinks). So whatever happens, I never feel under pressure to buy wrong and expensive gifts, just share the joy and laughter with family and friends….

Back to the shopping, I told my brother about it and he said that it must have been tear gas. Well, I’m not convinced, I believe someone was trying to drug us and steal from us to get off the pressures of Christmas.

Don’t give in to the pressures of the festivities. Remember, it’s your life. 

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR from the author's desk


twitter: @deekareithi

14 December 2012

KEEP LEFT


Christmas is finally here, and this reminds me of one strange experience I had with my Family. I am sure they can all attest to this: see, we were overjoyed since this long awaited trip to Tanzania had come. We had visited almost all sites in Kenya, and now it was time for Tanzania. We started traveled by road to Tanzania at night and stayed at Arusha. On the second day, we decided to visit Tanga, one of the towns in Tanzania with several historical sites and national parks. We had not bought a map and we depended on our phones for the GPS signals (yes, smart phones existed then, thank God). 

We were headed to a destination we did not know. We started asking for directions from the police, at gas stations, and from fellow road users. Wrong decision. Since Swahili is Tanzania’s National language, we had a problem understanding them because well, you see, in Kenya we speak “broken” Swahili.

We asked one lady in particular to guide us and help us know where Kilimanjaro National Park is. She got into our car and we started the journey, excited that we had finally found help. My father is not a fast driver so the lady kept on saying “kaza mwendo ama tutachelewa” (drive faster lest we get late). I kept asking myself why she kept on telling us to drive faster and we wanted to see sites on the way...tsk!

The first warning sign, which we did not notice, was when she asked us to drive into a street that had a “NO ENTRY” sign. Blindly, we drove in. we were surprised see police on motorcycles following us. We did not know why till they told us that they would arrest us for breaking the law. The lady, lucky for us, talked to him and explained that she had led us there.

Then she intended to ask us to turn after a roundabout and she said, “ukipita keep lefti, wewe vunja mkono na ukeep lefti” (when you passed the roundabout, join the road on your left.) by then, none of us knew what she was saying so we passed the junction to the National park. She kept mum.

After traveling for two hours with her constant “kaza mwendo”, we decided to ask her how far it was since it was getting late and we had to go back to our hotel at Arusha. That was when she broke our spirits.

“kutoka hapa si mbali, mtapanda juu ya huu mlima, hapo mtaweza kusaidiwa zaidi. Mimi nashuka hapa. Nimefika nyumbani.” (It’s not far from here, just go up the hill and you will get help there. I have arrived at home, so I will leave you to proceed).

Oh the anger that filled us!! How dare she use us to get her a lift home? And from what we learnt on our way back, the junction the we had passed was the right way to go! We felt wasted, but we had learnt a valuable lesson. We pledged to trust our phones only or buy a map. 

I certainly hope this will never happen again...or do I? I hope it does, it was great!! I wonder what will happen this Christmas!!


Twitter:@deekareithi

27 August 2012

FUNNY COMPOSITION

I just had to repost this one. it is soooooo funny, I Laugh Out Loud each time I read it:

I was asleep. The jogoo shouted three times, I opened one eye and left the other to sleep abit. I was wishing I had slept with my uniforms putted on, but I realised if wishes were chickens beggars would been layin eggs. I woke up with only one eye open n and I was looking where the karai was put I wash my face. I found some cotton which I used to burn the jiko and cook a chai without milk called sturungi. I drank the sturungi haphazardy and hurriendily with a big piece of kiugali which had remained at night. I put on my uniforms and then I painted myself with fat and because there was no kiwi I had to paint my shoes with fat to.

I took a paperbag put books and biros then ran my everything, I beated the first corner hardly then as I was beatin the second corner I heard the school bell cry ncgririr nkngrirriririri nckgrrrirrrrr!!! I knew nimelate. When I reached the gate!! You dont want to know!! Mr Mogaka was standin at the gate with a big black nyahunyo. I was so afraid that I almost urinated. I was asked why are you late? I said makaa was poured with water at night teacher asked what has that to do with you coming to school late I told him the jiko was late to burn so it delayed cookin strong tea he said that is no excuse!!

Touch your toes!! I started to remove my shoes so I can touch the toes but he told me I just meant bend, he gave me the first nyahunyo on my buttocks,,hehe it was as hot as a boiling water, I dried that one, he gave me the second one pap!! This one was much hotter n started hearing to cry, when the third one was given to me I heard so much pain that I touched my buttocks, the teacher said you have erased that one!! 

I will have to give you another one!! When I was given the fourth nyahunyo, tears started getting out of my eyes uncontrollably,, the teacher said, you removing tears for who!! I dont want to see even a smell of tear, ran to class and dont late tomorrow. My buttocks as I went to class were hearing as if sitting in a burning jiko.. I dried the tears because my classmate would laugh at me for crying. When I entered class I walked slowly to my desk and when I tried to sit it was so pain I could not seet. So I seeted on air above my chair holding my desk. From that day I sweya I will never come to school late again even if the makaa was poured on water!!!.

Examiners comments:
This school should be turned into a tourist attraction. This is a classic case of a comedian in the making. I will refer this student to the African Centre for Talented Individuals next to K1. No marks can be awarded as this will negate the whole idea of nurturing county talent.