SELF ASSESSMENT 101: MARRIAGE.

 “The very thought of marriage used to frighten me. I wasn't sold on the idea of monogamy. I saw so many examples of divorce and unfaithfulness that the beautiful picture of marriage wasn't an aspiration.I wish I could say that I was content on living a single life, but the truth is that I was going to keep "playing the field.”"  Cornelius Lindsey

Well, there is one part of life that we cannot avoid, and this topic has been one that has been part of most of our discussions lately (a group of friends and I). This is because my peers and I are at that point where we are making life long decisions, we are making life long investment decisions, we making our circle of friends finer because we are making lifelong friendships, we are making life long career choices, and most certainly (at some point) we will have to choose that lifelong companion. Now, as much as we are discussing it and praying about it, we are also reading much about the issue, coz let’s face it…the institution of marriage (from a Christian’s point of view) has been under attack. Cornelius Lindsey’s statement up there in one of posts lately (Speaking of which, The Lindsey’s are goals yaani…) sparked up a debate among us. When are we ever ready for marriage? I mean, we see some get married at 20 others at 40, others at 60 and slay this marriage thing. We have also seen others get married at the same ages and live in tears.

So as part of my self-assessment, this was part of my areas of assessment. Now, I have done a lot of reading from various local and international authors, I have consulted my mentor and sat at the feet of the married, divorced and single at advanced ages, and this article by Judy Karanja (She is the Author) written in 2012 was shared with me. This is what She says:

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DON'T GET MARRIED IF:

If you’re not ready to delay gratification when your are angry. To hold your tongue, lower your voice and sometimes wait till the appropriate time, day or even month before you can deal with an issue thoroughly…. don’t get married. Immaturity is the inability to delay gratification. Marriage is for the mature.

If you’re not ready to leave center stage and allow someone else to become your focus, your study, your muses… don’t get married. Selfish people make very bad spouses. In marriage you don’t lose yourself but your heart has to be big enough to gain someone else. And soon, with God’s blessing: little, crying, diaper soiling, demanding little ones are coming!

If you are not ready, to stand up and calmly deal with meddling in laws as a united front: The opinionated sister, the insensitive uncle, the domineering father, the manner less brother, the nosy aunt….. don’t get married. Boundaries do not exist automatically, they must be created. A good spouse is committed to respectfully stand up for and protect their marriage from meddling relatives. Don’t abandon your spouse to your relatives. It’s betrayal.

If you are not ready to pay bills…. don’t get married. Love does not pay bills. Kenya power will not give a waiver because your love is O so strong and your gazes at each other, O so romantic.

If you are not ready to let go of your opposite sex “best friends” and invest that into your spouse. To like, to laugh, to play, to be silly and to enjoy life with them, above anyone else… don’t get married. Affairs happen because people did not marry their best friends. Someone else holds their heart. Someone else gets them better. Someone else inspires them more. Marry your best friend and cultivate your friendship so that you remain best friends.

If you are not ready to stop competing with the Joneses…. don’t get married. Let the Joneses buy their yatch when you are still walking, and enjoy the walk. Your journeys are different. They may have to cross the oceans but you may be going through the road route. A boat might not do you any good on your journey. You must be ready to pace yourselves: stop competing, stop spending your future before you get there, stop the debt, stop trying to impress people. You must be able to be content. To enjoy your journey without deciding your happiness simply by measuring your progress against other people.

If you are not ready to be an open book. To tell the whole story of your past, deal with the memories, expose the failures and risk rejection…. don’t get married. It is fraud to have someone sign off their life to you without the full details. The past is a touchy and demanding friend. It always shows up in the marriage. It doesn’t enjoy being ignored and the more you snob, the bolder it becomes and the more tantrums it throws. It will mess up the “neat” and “all together lovely” image that you are struggling to maintain.

If you are not ready to let go of your philandering and wild oats farming…. don’t get married. Don’t take somebody’s son or daughter and subject them to your germs, your indiscretions and your chips fungaz. It never ends well. It’s romanticized in the movies, it’s being fronted as the only “realistic” way to stay married and keep the fire burning. But truth be told, the only thing that the fire will burn will be you, your spouse and your children. That family will burn for generations in bitterness, disease, fear, failure, hatred, broken hearts, broken dreams and conniving.

Finally, if you are not ready to let go of the adrenalin rush of a risque life and to settle down…. don’t get married. The great Colombus [who we were told “discovered” America, Have you ever wondered if the Native Indians who were in it, knew that it existed :-)] had a diary that was long sought for. People wanted to read about the wild journeys, the sea tempest, the reckless pirates they fought, the death and the danger they must have encountered. When it was found, there was great disappointment. Majority of the pages simply had 5 words: “This day, we sailed on.” 

Marriage, like life in general, has many “we sail on” days. You have to learn to find the thrill in the normal everydayness of it. If you depend on wild romance, all night sex [ha], romantic cruises, wild parties, compulsive moves across continents, tempestuous fights and make up sessions to be happy, you may be disappointed. You have to learn to thrill in gentle smiles, loving hugs, knowing looks, cozy moments, shared chores, cute babies, everyday work, dreaming together, praying together and simply living together. If these things are not thrilling, exciting and satisfying, you will look for a way out. The “boom twaff” moments are still there, but they are normally punctuations to the usualness of living. They cannot be your reason for getting married. They are unsustainable on an everyday basis. The one you choose must be thrilling to you even in the most mundane of moments.

I pray this helps someone. Remember singles, YOU HAVE THE PRIVILEGE OF CHOICE. Never let anyone pressure you into marriage. You are either ready or you’re not: You decide!. But please don’t marry somebody and then punish them to live with your childish ways for the rest of their lives. A childish baby is cute but a childish adult is extremely frustrating.

Marriage is for the mature and in many ways, we the married, are still being confronted with the demand to grow up day by day. If you are not ready for that demand, don’t get married!!

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At the end of the day, when we realize that our lives can change at any moment and change forever, we start making decisions. Serious ones. But nothing can make us that prepared. Nothing can.

Facebook:  Njeri Kareithi

Twitter: @deekareithi

*all pics source: www.pixabay.com

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MANIFESTATION OF LOVE

Valentines is drawing nearer with each rising and setting of the sun…of all the definitions of love that I have ever come across, these manifestations of love are the best that I can agree with (this is my opinion and that of the writer).  Just from the way it started, “God bless you in your relationships, and may the Holy Spirit empower you to love with a love that is not your own.” Caught my eye (and my heart). Here is what the writer said

1. LOVE IS... being willing to have your life complicated by the needs and struggles of others without impatience or anger.
2. LOVE IS... actively fighting the temptation to be critical and judgmental toward another while looking for ways to encourage and praise.
3. LOVE IS... making a daily commitment to resist the needless moments of conflict that come from pointing out and responding to minor offenses.
4. LOVE IS... being lovingly honest and humbly approachable in times of misunderstanding.
5. LOVE IS... being more committed to unity and understanding than you are to winning, accusing, or being right. 
6. LOVE IS... a making a daily commitment to admit your sin, weakness, and failure and to resist the temptation to offer an excuse or shift the blame.
7. LOVE IS... being willing, when confronted by another, to examine your heart rather than rising to your defense or shifting the focus.
8. LOVE IS... making a daily commitment to grow in love so that the love you offer to another is increasingly selfless, mature, and patient.
9. LOVE IS... being unwilling to do what is wrong when you have been wronged, but looking for concrete and specific ways to overcome evil with good.
10. LOVE IS... being a good student of another, looking for their physical, emotional, and spiritual needs so that in some way you can remove the burden, support them as they carry it, or encourage them along the way.
11. LOVE IS... being willing to invest the time necessary to discuss, examine, and understand the relational problems you face, staying on task until the problem is removed or you have agreed upon a strategy of response.
12. LOVE IS... being willing to always ask for forgiveness and always being committed to grant forgiveness when it is requested.
13. LOVE IS... recognizing the high value of trust in a relationship and being faithful to your promises and true to your word.
14. LOVE IS... speaking kindly and gently, even in moments of disagreement, refusing to attack the other person’s character or assault their intelligence.
15. LOVE IS... being unwilling to flatter, lie, manipulate, or deceive in any way in order to co-opt the other person into giving you what you want or doing something your way.
16. LOVE IS... being unwilling to ask another person to be the source of your identity, meaning, and purpose, or inner sense of well-being, while refusing to be the source of theirs.
17. LOVE IS... the willingness to have less free time, less sleep, and a busier schedule in order to be faithful to what God has called you to be and to do as a spouse, parent, neighbor, etc.
18. LOVE IS... a commitment to say no to selfish instincts and to do everything that is within your ability to promote real unity, functional understanding, and active love in your relationships.
19. LOVE IS... staying faithful to your commitment to treat another with appreciation, respect, and grace, even in moments when the other person doesn’t seem deserving or is unwilling to reciprocate.
20. LOVE IS... the willingness to make regular and costly sacrifices for the sake of a relationship without asking for anything in return or using your sacrifices to place the other person in your debt.
21. LOVE IS... being unwilling to make any personal decision or choice that would harm a relationship, hurt the other person, or weakens the bond of trust between you.
22. LOVE IS... refusing to be self-focused or demanding, but instead looking for specific ways to serve, support, and encourage, even when you are busy or tired.
23. LOVE IS... daily admitting to yourself, the other person, and God that you are unable to be driven by a cruciform love without God’s protecting, providing, forgiving, rescuing, and delivering grace.

This is the kind of love I am striving to daily to have.  I may not manifest all, but I try my best to show love in ways that God would like me to.

                     

                 Once again, Happy Valentines from Njeri Kareithi

 

@deekareithi

                                           @deekareithi

see the original post here 

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LETTING GO.

Monday evening, it’s just a few minutes before class starts. This girlfriend of mine has glowing face and a bright smile today ; she is wearing a beautiful sunny dress and some flowery sandals. She places her hand bag on the table and comes running towards me (okay, she did not run, she walked hastily…I was at the other end of the table going though some text messages from a conversation I had had with a friend). She was different. Something had changed in her. She was happy, she was smiling, she was laughing, she had glee; she was alive!

“Dee, I met your people” she said amidst a somewhat outburst. I thought she would scream. Looking around just to make sure no one is listening just in case she says something she was not supposed to (see, I don’t know of people I can say that are “my people”, other than my family members :-D).

“What people?”I asked. She went ahead to remind me of this group that I had introduced to her to. For a few months, she had been going through a rough patch in her life and wanted to let go of some things and move on. She needed something to help her clear her mind. She had done meditation and needed to feel alive again. Being the adventurous bug I am, always looking for adventures to experience; I recommended a road trip to Arusha some friends were doing…she went. And the person standing in front of me was the result of the said road trip which was two days long. She went ahead and explained how it went down...even with pictures as evidence. I smiled. I was happy for her. She had done it!!

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s that time of the year again; as they say, love is “in the air”. It’s February, the so called month of love. During this month, some young partners will celebrate their first valentines, some old couples will celebrate the umpteenth valentines, a time to celebrate their love. To others, however, it is a month where those past wounds resurface, when that pain they experienced with that one person they loved (or thought they loved) bites just one more time.

The sight of people walking hand in hand, people writing to each other love messages in public, people displaying affection in public (not a fan of PDA by the way), and with the recent migration of people to social media, the updates, the photos, the mushy-mushy messages will be something they will not want to see. Better yet; how about staying offline and changing the phone and getting one that does not have all those applications, a “not so smart” phone.

Letting go has been and will be one of the things we human beings struggle with. All of us. There is no way of saying that there is a best way of moving on. The way and duration of one person moving on and lets go cannot be the same as another. It’s like falling in love. No two ways of falling in love are identical, not even two experiences of birthing a young one (I don’t know how appropriate this is), each experience is unique. Well, in the same way, letting go of that love or loss of a loved one is different.

The overlying fact, however, is that for you to move on and let go, you have to decide. Making up your mind and sticking to it is just the first step. The same way you decide to let someone in your life is the same way you can let them out of your life. Do it for yourself; for your well being…then you can heal well. You may decide to do it like my friend did, do something new, take yourself out, experience something new, watch a new movie, spend time with a friend, just do something that you know is worth it. And know your worth enough to let it go. Don’t forget to have fun while at it!!

I too; are on this journey. Join me in letting go of somethings, and letting God. Letting myself be me.

Happy valentines from Njeri Kareithi’s desk. Remember, just as charity begins at home, love begins with loving yourself. Happy Valentines

@deekareithi

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THE STRENGTH OF A MAN by Anonymous

It is still the month of love and it is in that same mood that I post this. I came across this short piece and thought is should share it...  :-)

The strength of a man isn't seen in the width of his shoulders.
It's seen in the width of his arms that encircle and protect you.
The strength of a man isn't in the deep tone of his voice. 
It is in the gentle words he whispers.

The strength of a man isn't in the words he speaks.
It's in how he keeps his word.
The strength of a man isn't how many buddies he has.
It's how good a buddy he is with his children.

The strength of a man isn't in how respected he is at work.
It's in how he is respected at home.
The strength of a man isn't in how hard he hits.
It's in how tender he touches.

The strength of a man isn't in the hair on his chest.
It's in his heart....that lies within his chest.
The strength of a man isn't in how many women he's loved.
It's in whether he can be true to the ONE woman he's trying to love.

The strength of a man isn't in the weight he can lift.
It is in the burdens he can understand and overcome.
The strength of a man isn't in the weight he can lift.
It's in the effort he puts forth when you are unable.

The strength of a man isn't in how he makes love.
It's in the understanding that there is more to making love..than making love..

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THE SILENT LOVERS

Well, well, well, it’s here again; the month that all irresponsible (yes, irresponsible) men dread, evil (yes evil) women maliciously await and lovers look forward to. The month where red is the “it” color, the month where chocolates and flowers sell most and most unfortunately most hearts are broken. It’s February, the so called month of love.

“Be emotional!! You are Human!!!” my pastor’s word’s echoed in the halls of church on Sunday (yeah, I was quite surprised but pleased too…I mean, if I get emotional; I have the go ahead from spiritual authority *Thank you God*) now, ladies and men, let us be clear on one thing; being emotional (and sensitive) and becoming a hysterical person are two different things. Getting mad to the point of scratching your lover’s car with a knife just because they did not get you what you wanted does not classify as emotional (and sensitive). Wailing out loudly at night disturbing the peace of the night because your heart was broken and you had to drink it out does not classify as emotional. That is hysterical. Are we on the same page now? Good.

Well, today I talk about a character that loves silently (note, not secretly). I just love the silent lover. Maybe it’s because I fell in love with one as such, or maybe I am one. They are not shy, they are not timid, they are not reluctant, and they just love silently. To them, saying the words “I love you” take some work. Don’t get me wrong, they will write it down and most importantly show it by actions, but they rarely say the words “I love you”. Saying these words to them, you may not get why they remain silent and not say it back to you, but if you know a person well, you will know why they will not.

To them the phrase “actions speak louder than words” carries more meaning than “If you love them, tell them”. This type of lovers will hold your hand in the most sensual way, they will look at you in ways that will steam you up, and they will listen in a way that amazes you. They will touch you in a way that makes you forget anyone has ever touched you. They will spoil you with things that make you smell the “love in the air”. They will hug you tight till your worries disappear. They will gladly show you they will be there, that they are there, that they love you; when words fail them.

They are the silent (I repeat; not secret) lovers. If your love is a silent lover; well, open your eyes and see past the words. Experience love in their way. They do sacrifice to experience it your way; right?

Show your love the best way you know how to. Forget not God’s love this season; (He is kind of a silent lover huh). Spread the love this month, don’t spread “seeds”. Share the love, and keep some for yourself too.

Happy Valentine my dear friends.

@deekareithi

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VALENTINES EVE

A young relative (I use relative since I am not sure whether he is my nephew or cousin) came to me and asked me “Aunt Dee, si tutakesha 13^th” (aunt Dee shall stay up all night on the 13^th)

My first reaction was laughter. I asked him why should we do that and he told me that since last year, he has seen us (relatives) as well as his parents stay up late on some “special” days of the year and thought that since 14^th is a day that so many people have talking about, we ought to wait till midnight for Valentine’s day to com. He called it “valentine’s eve”. 

This innocent question got me really thinking about it, really hard. Well on Christmas Eve, we stay up to midnight and wait for the special day that is Christmas and do the same for New Year. Shouldn’t we do the same for this day that celebrates our reason for existence; LOVE? 

We all know that there are some who will literally stay up late till midnight. Not because they wait Valentine’s Day, but because they dread it. The men, to start with, will stay up late thinking and stressing themselves out wondering if they got the right gift\present for their loved one or loved ones for the players). The ladies, on the other hand, will worry their way into midnight and past trying to guess what their better half will get them and laying down terms and conditions for accepting the gift.

Either way, I know my cousin\relative will have some company on valentine’s eve. So I offered myself to stay up all night with him, even though I am in school miles and miles away from him, I will stay up late with him. I know I will be studying and by 8.00 pm his innocent eyes will be asleep. When the clock strikes midnight, I will go around greeting people saying “happy valentine’s day”. We always do it on Christmas and New Year anyway.

Do have a loving and joyful Valentine’s Day

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