24 December 2011

TIME TO MOVE ON


Why do I feel everyone has an exciting fun-filled life, but me? Why is it I can’t find that certain someone that makes me smile? Why do I always chose the one person that is obviously wrong for me and that I know will bring me eventual heartache?

I never intended my life to be self-destructive. When I wake up in the morning, I don’t say, “Let me meet someone today that will bring me grief.” I wake up happy; I am happy . . . except when it comes to my relationships. I feel I will never meet someone that will love and honor me in the way that I deserve.
Maybe I am destined to be alone. Maybe the walls I have built around myself are too thick for anyone to break through. Maybe I have a contented soul and I don’t even realize it. I think I must accept my situation for what it is. Maybe my fate is to be alone. If I honestly ask myself, “Am I happy?” I think I can answer, with all sincerity, “Yes, I am.” I love my life. I love my clothes, my family, my friends. I love my scool. I love taking long walks alone. I love making plans for trips with people that make me smile. I love not having to answer to anyone. I love being free.

But I do miss something. Something is definitely missing.
I miss a soft touch. I miss the whispered voice in my ear of love. I miss the phone calls just asking how I am. I miss the texts saying “I miss you.” I miss the compliments. I miss the hugs. I miss the kisses and the obvious want that a person would have for me and only me. I miss the companionship and ease of a long-term relationship. When you don’t have to question if a person is right for you, you just know. When you don’t have to wonder if a person is going to be home, he just is. When you know the plans you make will be just fine with your partner because you know each other that well. I miss that.

I miss the second part of me. The part of me that’s gone and leaves in me a void, a void that hurts; an emptiness that will never be filled in the same way again. The emptiness will eventually heal and become bearable, but it will leave a scar, a reminder of what was; a reminder of what never will be again.

But I will add to myself again. I will grow in other ways. The healing will come, but it will not be to forget . . . it will be to learn from. I don’t want that part of me back. I was ready to let it go and I have. That part of me has scarred me, but in a good way. I have no regrets. I have no “what-ifs” . . . I am thankful for what we had. It was a beautiful time, but a time which has run its course. It is time for me to move on; to start over; to create new memories and new times. 

It’s time for me to meet someone new.

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2 comments:

  1. I got sentimental with this part and yeah, sure, the whole post,

    "Maybe I am destined to be alone. Maybe the walls I have built around myself are too thick for anyone to break through. Maybe I have a contented soul and I don’t even realize it. I think I must accept my situation for what it is..."

    Whether it's true or not, I have always believed, if there is something that keeps the heart glued to(in) one piece, it's hope.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. sure....we all have that fear at one point of our lives

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